Give your monster-in-law a chance

While searching the net for some information I came upon this interesting story by Jan Tincher about a hassled daughter-in-law. Troubled by the fact that her mom-in-law had come to stay in her one-room hut, she approaches a guru to seek his advice on getting rid of this lady. The guru asks her to move a goat into the hut and to then return to him in a week���s time.She returns more harried than ever, with the mother and the goat in her one-room hut. The guru then tells her to get some chickens into the hut and return the next week. Every week the lady returned, the guru, to her confusion, added to her woes by asking her to include one additional animal as her room-mate. Finally one day when she cried and said she couldn't take it any more, he asked her to take out all the animals and visit him the next week. The following week a cheerful and happy lady greets the guru and when he inquires about her mom-in-law, this is what she had to say, "Oh, you mean that fine lady living with us? Truthfully, she is not so bad."
Well, the moral of the story is not that difficult to understand, is it? A mother-in-law at home may be bad, but things can be worse.
The figure of the mother-in-law is a universally maligned one. Try typing mother-in-law in a search engine and you'll not find a single site which has anything good to say about this lady. All sites give you tips on how to tackle a troublesome, nosey, selfish, possessive (and all the other negative adjectives you could think about) mother-in-law. Put two married ladies together, especially ones who have their in-laws staying with them and in no time the topic of the evil mom-in-law is bound to crop up. Each will try to out do the other in describing the devilish quotient of their respective moms-in-law. Father-in-laws usually are not part of this defamed in-laws group.
But why is that there is so much hatred towards moms-in-law? Mothers-in-law have received such bad publicity that any girl on the verge of getting married can't help imagining the most horrible things about her prospective mom-in-law. Visualising a demon, she enters the house, expecting the worst kind of harassment. In such a scenario even the slightest reprimand from the mother-in-law often appears very offensive.
While there is no doubt that there are women and that too in large numbers who take on an evil face when it comes to their daughters-in-law and seem to receive some kind of sadistic pleasure in torturing them, to label every mother-in-law as a monster is avoidable.
Often pre-conceived notions about in-laws colour our own attitude and behaviour towards them. Their every comment, instruction, action is watched and analysed with the greatest detail to sift out possible sarcastic references, selfish or possessive acts. They are often pictured as women who are extremely possessive about their sons and are not willing to let go off their control of them so easily. Even before they get to know their mother-in-law, daughters-in-law often imagine that this 'enemy' will pounce on every opportunity to criticize their cooking, dressing, the way they take care of their home, children, in short, everything. And society makes sure that these fears and notions remain intact and in fact add fuel to the fire with sagacious advice about how one should tackle the evil mother-in-law.
Shalini, a content developer, recalls how when her marriage was fixed, friends and relatives, after inquiring about the guy would immediately ask about the in-laws. And when she told them that her mom-in-law (father-in-law had passed away) was going to stay with her, it often generated a sympathetic response. While she herself didn't mind the situation, people around her really seemed to pity her and gave her advice on how to handle the mom-in-law. Then there were others, she adds, who presumed that she will be the evil daughter-in-law, who would try to oust mommy out of the house. They in turn listed the virtues of having a mother-in-law at home. However, thankfully, Shalini decided to ignore all the advice, tips and warnings and decided to deal with the situation head on, with her mind clear of any pre-conceived notions.
It helps if we can go in with an open mind and then see for ourselves whether things are really as bad as they sound. Mother-in-law is definitely not our mother, but she is in the same boat as we are. A stranger has walked into her domain and she has to adjust herself to this new individual who has had a different up bringing, a different lifestyle and a different thought process. The only problem in this new relationship is that neither (and especially the daughter-in-law) has the freedom to scream at the other without feeling offended. It is probably difficult to arrive at the same freedom that a mother and daughter enjoy.
But even that is not an impossible situation to imagine. Dia, a software programmer, stays abroad and has to spend time with both her parents and in-laws when she visits India on her holidays. Now, one would have imagined that she would rather stay at her parent's than her in-law's. But not so for Dia. She happily reveals, that she's more comfortable at her in-law's and feels more at home with them. What do you say to that?
The secret to get this relationship working is adjustment, which is required from both sides. The problem usually arises when either the mother or the daughter refuses to budge and accommodate the other.
Take the case for example of Swati, a manager with an MNC, who having been brought up in a modern, nuclear family atmosphere got married into a conservative joint family. Seeing the family set up she feared the worst, imagining herself as bogged down by suffocating rules and regulations. But her fears turned out to be unfounded as her mom-in-law showed a lot of patience and sensitivity towards her needs. Swati reveals, how her mother-in-law would have preferred that she be decked up in saris and heavy jewellery, but didn't insist on it once she realised that her daughter-in-law wasn't comfortable in them. And when it came to cooking, where her mom-in-law could do wonders in the kitchen, Swati confesses she does not even like to enter it. But that didn't provoke any snide remarks or complaints. Another big adjustment, Swati says her mom-in-law had to make was to accept a working daughter-in-law. Being from a traditional and conservative family, where it wasn't considered right for women to work after marriage and much less when she became a mother, her mom-in-law quietly accepted when she explained her reasons and compulsions to continue with her job.
Now some might say that Dia and Swati are really lucky. But it's not they didn't have issues with their mothers-in-law; it���s just that they adjusted and also showed their appreciation for what their mothers-in-laws were doing.
This is not to say that things are always going great if you go in with a positive attitude. Kavita, a housewife would vouch for that. Married for the last five months, she recollects how everyone had warned her against 'the mother-in-law'. But ignoring all that, she had a romantic picture of one happy family, with in-laws taking the place of her parents. But unfortunately for her, things haven't turned out as well as she had imagined. She has realised that living with in-laws requires a lot of patience, tact and an ability to constantly adjust. "She is not a bad person", Kavita explains, about her mother-in-law. For Kavita it is all about coming to terms with and accepting the way of life her mom-in-law is used to. Then there is whole issue of personal space, personal likes and dislikes, which often take a beating when it comes to mothers-in-law. "It is never as comfortable as your parent���s home", she cries. But despite all that she admits that hopefully it is just a matter of time before both of them understand each other and accept each other.
But where Tanya, a designer is concerned, she has literally given up all hopes of having a comfortable relationship with her mom-in-law. Accommodating and easy-going by nature, she says, she had never imagined that she'll have adjustment issues with her mom-in-law. In fact it was her dream to live in a joint family and she had entered the family with an open mind. But unfortunately, she is living the nightmare of every daughter-in-law. A mother-in-law who is never happy with what she does, doesn't let her enter the kitchen, is sensitive to her son's discomforts but blind to her daughter-in-law's problems and to top it all, she is over-possessive about her son and finds it offensive if he goes on an outing alone with his wife.
Unfortunately for Kavita and Tanya, despite their positive attitude, things haven't turned out too well. Here are cases where the mothers-in-law have refused to adjust and change for their daughters-in-law. A positive attitude has however, helped these women retain their sanity and peace in the house.
Entering a relationship with an open mind may not necessarily ensure a perfect result. A lot depends on how the individuals in the relationship make it work. However, starting a relationship without any pre-conceived notions, go a long way in making it easier to accept the changes, to see the other person's point of view and providing scope for a healthy relationship to blossom and grow.